Seriously, it always snows when ‘The Man’ is gone. I shoveled the driveway, the day before yesterday, and then the snow plow came (i know you can feel my pain). So I shoveled that mess up last night. (heavy icy chunks). I wake up this morning? And yes, we have 3 new inches of snow. So, you know, I go out and shovel away, like I’m one of the Seven Dwarfs, heaving coal into Snow White’s furnace. (why does that sound so dirty to me) Anyways, I FINALLY get done and the neighbor’s niece takes a sharp turn onto our unplowed street and gets stuck. So I grab my shovel and head down to the corner, like a good little dwarf, (at this point, I’m going to go with Dopey..because, man, I’m exhausted) to help dig and push her out. After a few tries, we free her. And long story short: I’m a beast! …A Dopey beast…and now a little bit of a Sleepy beast as well. Where’s the motrin, Doc?
Today I’ll clean the house, tidy up things a bit. Tonight we’ll drive to the train. MY BABY GIRL IS COMING HOME! It’ll be the first time I’ve seen her since Christmas, and since “that one guy” broke her heart. And when she gets here, I’ll put my arms around her and hold her tight, and rock her like I did when she was little. (She’s fine now, this part is more for me.) I need to know I did my part. We could sit and trash talk about him for a couple hours, and laugh about what a jerk he was, but what would be the point. We’re moving on. As we do. We’ll laugh and laugh because WE have the upper hand. WE are the winners… for tomorrow we will shop till we drop! And there pretty much isn’t anything better than that. Is there?
Back when The Man and I first were married, we had a house on the South side of town. (Back behind Deja Vu, the local strip club) But that’s a whole other story for a whole nother day.
Anyways, One night we had a torrential down pour..water running down the street like an angry river, backing up almost as high as the car doors. The Man and I had been out pretty late partying, and when we came home after picking up the baby, I walked into the kitchen and a horrible smell hit me in the face like a stink bomb on the Fourth of July. Like a fat man’s farts after eating authentic Italian meatballs. “What smells like shit?” I said, as the man headed down to the basement to see what was up. He made it down to the 3rd to the last step when he saw, with his flashlight in tow, the contents of the entire neighborhood’s sewer floating around, like ducks in a duck pond, up to our second stair. Now just think for a minute all the things you have ever put in your toilet, and THAT was now swimming in OUR basement.
It was that night that we learned that our house just so happened to be the lowest house on the street. (that’s a lot of thats) Oh joy. A small tidbit of information that nobody ever thought to tell us, when we bought the house. The other neighbors were already prepared. They all had their own personal monogramed basement pumps amongst their household belongings, for just such events. But us? Us? Oh no. We didn’t have no stinkin pump. (no pun intended) Who plans for this kind of shit? So I packed up the baby, and we went back to grandmas house, while daddy stayed home and pumped out the poo. He spent the night cleaning and bleaching out the basement, working well into the next day.
So you see Cary, I would NEVER make fun of leaky basements or flooding phobias, because I too have issues with the poo monster that lives in the pipes deep below the basements of our minds. God, it’s like we’re sisters or something.
Happy Birthday Lindsaylooo!! May you have sunshine on this cloudy day. (not in the form of K.C. and the Sunshine Band) May a pack of teeny tiny elephants dance across your floor, delivering you the most fantastic cake, while making sure not to step on your cute little sparkly purple toes. And may Eminem drive up, in his Chrysler, and tell you that you are beautiful, while the Detroit Tigers sing Happy Birthday in the background. I love you Lindsaylooo. Have an awesome day!!
January 31st: Suzanne Pleshette, Sade, Portia DeRossi, Carol Channing, Minnie Driver, Nolan Ryan, Norman Mailer, Justin Timberlake and Tallulah Bankhead. (Tallulah. Frikken. Bankhead. Now THAT’S a name!) …Oh, and the ever popular tumblr’er, thatchris!!
You know that thing where you’re getting a whole bunch of money back from income taxes and you think “WHOA BABY, we’re gonna have some fun” and then your kid’s car goes into the shop, and you find out it’s gonna cost more than half of that to get it fixed? Yeah, that.
One of my spawn is coming home today. I guess, technically, spawn isn’t the correct word. But offspring makes it sound like I did something wrong while jumping… (and that could be entirely correct.) Anyways, just a little bit excited here.
I am so proud of my daughter, for picking herself up and moving on so gracefully, after being disposed of by her boyfriend. Proving to me, herself, and the world, that she doesn’t need a man to define herself. So, so, so, proud of her!
She thought he was “the one”. And then he let her go. He threw her away because she wasn’t perfect. She was flawed, in his tiny little mind. He doesn’t know what a mistake he made. She’s as good as it gets. I know this cause I’m her mom. He broke her heart. I mean he REALLY broke her heart. Now I help her pick of the pieces. And she’ll eventually figure out that he doesn’t deserve her. He never did. She’s better off without him. What a JERK!
When you’re naming candles, be verrry careful. An Island Margarita should *never* be burned. It should be proudly served in a shapely glass, placed on a pedestal, with a coaster, and then savored. Savored to perfection. Never burned.
Skyping with my favorite little sister from Arizona. A visit from a favorite girlfriend who brought me a belated birthday present. ‘The man’ finally coming home from a business trip, after being alone all week, in the stupid snow storm. Drinking a whole bottle of wine. Tonight didn’t suck!
I saw the snow. I thought about the snow. And then I decided to do something about the snow. You see, “The Man” is away on business, and if he wants to make it “all the way home” (like the little pig that went wee-wee-wee) I have to shovel the driveway. So I go to put on my ‘shoveling snow clothes’, while looking out the window, only to find out, that the neighbor guy, now known as the world’s most awesome neighbor guy, had completely cleared my big, long, snow embedded, drive. You guys…people *are* nice!! (i wonder if he likes to do dishes??)
Oh impending weather of doom, I’m going to go outside and bring in some logs for the fireplace,…you know, just like the cavemen did. (And by cavemen, I mean Fred and Barney..and those Geico guys. Yeah, that’s exactly what I mean.)