Got the daughter all moved out of her apartment in Chicago and we’re on our way back to Michigan. I’ll miss you Chicago but not the asshole who left the bag of dog shit in the trash chute room on the 29th floor, and didn’t actually put it down the chute. I mean really??! That’s a smell I’ll not soon forget. Good god y’all!!
That one time you skyped with your little sister and drank lots of beer and laughed and got all mushy and had a great time. Yah, that was my night. I love her so much and she is going to come visit me next month and did I mention I drank lots of beer and my English teacher would be really, really, pissed at this run-on sentence. But you know what? She is not the boss of me.
So last night I was finally with my high school crush. A girlfriend and I were staying at his house. (i don’t know how he managed that, but, okay, good for him.) Anyway, things were going good. He finally got to see the fun and charming side of me. We were flirting, and sharing clever banter. Things were going great. Better than great. And I looked marvelous. (if I do say so myself) And then…at the diningroom table, as we were preparing for a fabulously romantic dinner, he leaned in close, …closed his eyes, …and dreamily kissed my girlfriend???!!! (*insert nightmare music*)
And then I woke up. Yep, seems about right. (nodding head) And that, my friends, sums up my entire high school life.
I guess it’s all for the best. Things would’ve never worked out. Seeing as how I’ve got the husband and all. So, “bite the big one”, Jimmy!! You’ll never know what you missed out on. P.S. Since I left so suddenly, could you please send me my suitcase? There was a lot of cute clothes in there!! (my dreams have good taste)
We went for our morning walk early today. You know, to beat the heat. Well that didn’t work. It was hot as:
A.) Dan’s balls
B.) Frank’s Louisiana Hot Sauce overcooked in the microwave
C.) That guy who played short-stop, when I was bat girl for that one softball team, back in the day. (I was kinda hot too, but it would be wrong to put my former self on the list..oh, whoops, I think I just did)
Currently playing: Hot Hot Hot - By Buster Poindexter (who is not hot)
I remember it well… the day we got air conditioning. It wasn’t all that long ago. We were the last ones on the street to get it. Yes, we were THOSE people.
Before we got it, on the hottest of days we would hang sheets strategically around the house and put a window unit in our small bathroom to cool the back section of our home. And then one day… one glorious day, The Man decided it was time we got an air condo unit. (and the angels sang) We loved our air conditioning so!! We couldn’t imagine life without it.
Fast forward a few years. No, fast forward to the last few nights. Me. Waking up. In a deep sweat. (theses were not hot flashes OR night sweats. These were “where’s my air conditioning” sweat!) Trust me, I know the difference. I go outside of the room to check the thermostat.. and holy satan’s helpers, someone has set the temperature to 79 degrees!! Seventy Nine Degrees!! The nerve!
By process of elimination, I surmise that the culprit is ‘The Man’. I mutter some choice words to myself… and then devise my plan of attack. And so begins an elaborate game of thermostat tag. I turn it down, he turns it up. I turn it down. He turns it up. I will not lose!!! I NEVER LOSE!
And damned if I didn’t wake up to the gah dang thermostat turned to 79 friggen dickgrees!!
Today we are going to a birthday party. It is for the daughter of a neighbor, who lived in the neighborhood that we grew up in when we were kids. She will be 50 years old today. She has survived her mother, father, and older sister. She now lives with her brother. She’s the sweetest, sweetest girl. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that she has Down Syndrome, and the parents were told she probably wouldn’t live past 18. I couldn’t be more pleased that her brothers were thoughtful enough to throw this celebration of her 50 years on this Earth. I can’t wait to see them all. This is going to be awesome! Happy Birthday Celine. We’re so glad you’re still here!!
It’s 8:30 a.m. The neighbors are having their carpet professionally cleaned. It sounds like someone is trying to suck the brain out of my head.
We are still in the throws of a Midwestern drought. I am currently watering my front and back yard at the same time. (i know, skills I have em)
I figure if I’m going to die from the heat stroke… or from having my brain sucked out of my head at 8:30 in the morning, at least I’m going to go with perty green grass.
P.S. Our other neighbors are still illegally harboring chickens in a residential subdivision (this is where I yell “you are NOT IN THE CUNTRY”)(I really wanted to yell something else), and chocolate raspberry truffle coffee still sucks as much as it did the first time I had it.
On that note, have a happy day!!! (I’m humming Green Acres for you as you read the next two posts) You’re welcome.